Groundhog day

As I sit here writing yet another proposal I feel as though I’ve made no progress in three years (well three and a half, but if I count the half I get nervous). But then as I write I can physically feel the progress I have made. I can feel my brain thinking differently about the world. I can feel my fingers typing words I didn’t know about three years ago with ease and eloquence (well, they make sense in context….). And I feel proud of how far I have come. I am okay with the fact I’m doing yet another proposal. I am okay with the choices I am making. I wasn’t, but now I am.

I wasn’t okay with the choices because they have been hard. I have been hurt, and have hurt others, through my choices. Doing a thesis is, for me, the most life changing experience I have ever had. I know some people just get in there and do it and then move on and nothing in their soul is really different. But that’s not me. This thesis changes my thinking, my passions, my reactions to others, my energy levels, well, and my soul. The world is a different place because of my thesis.

So why the title Groundhog Day? Well, because it’s a lot like the movie. The same day over and over again, but the actions I take impact the outcome. Yes I’m writing yet another proposal, but this one is different. It is stronger, better, I actually even like it. My thesis is Groundhog Day, the same actions to be taken (research, writing, analysis, stressing) but the way I take those actions alter how I see the world. I feel privileged to have this experience and feel sympathy for those students who just rocket through the thesis, focussed on the end game. Stop, enjoy the journey. You will only do this once (twice would probably kill you – I know it would kill me!).

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