Knowing what I don’t know is a comfort

I’ve had conversations with various people over the last week about my thesis, it’s direction and what I want to achieve. I’ve also been working on my proposal. Now my degree of comfort has increased with Weber, I’m at that glorious stage of knowing what I don’t know. It’s glorious because it’s comfortable. I am comfortable in not knowing. It simply means I must continue to explore so I can know.

Part of the conversations I’ve had have been about exactly what I want from the supervisor and university relationship. At this stage of my thesis I want people to read my research, critique, and send back to me in a timely fashion. At least that’s what I think I want. I also want an administration that is functional. Not fancy, just basically functional would be great.

In relation to supervisors, I think it’s unfair in a thesis to start out with supervisors you will finish with because that’s just not realistic. I’ve changed. My research has changed. How could I think my supervisors would stay the same? Perhaps it’s like a marriage. Unless both parties are willing to reflect and grow together, the relationship can’t be sustained. And of course, like a marriage communication is key.

I used to think I was a good communicator, but that’s now one of my known unknowns. I know I suck at it. Not just for my thesis, but generally. I’m working at getting better at it, and I wonder if I had been better three years ago if I would have had a more constructive relationship with my university and my supervisors and wouldn’t be looking to move. But the past is the past and I can’t change it. What I can change is how I make meaning in the future.

Meaning is key for my thesis now. It’s the foundation of empirical, theoretical and methodological thought in my thesis. Maybe it always, but I didn’t know it then. I know it now. I also know having it as the key idea, the essence, is making my proposal a lot easier to write than any previous proposal! So maybe now I know that I don’t know, I can actually research. That’s not a bad place to be.


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